The Male Commandments: What every man needs to know!

The Male Commandments

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle. 2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be….is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other’s backs. 3. When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 4. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem–you didn’t see nothin’. 5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you’re out of luck—-hold it ’til later. 7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%). 8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 9. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT’s, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker. 12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—-weed whacker, car, firstborn child—-within 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free. 13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw. 14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes. 15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat’s toys for two years. 16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest. 17. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. 18. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours. 20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional). 21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick. 22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. 24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh. 25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who’s playing. 26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: “Yeah, baby, push it!”; “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”; “Another set and we can hit the showers.”; “Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?” 28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach….and it’s delivered by a topless model….and it’s free. 29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn’t need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit). 30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the “family jewels.” 31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need. 32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy need is a good butt-whipping.” You may then stand back and enjoy. 34. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean. 36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” 37. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Real Facts! (I found these both funny and disturbing)

Real Facts

• Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
• The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
• The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
• A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
• The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
• Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
• Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
• All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
• Pearls melt in vinegar.
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
• A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
• The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses.
• The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word criminal.” The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
• Turtles can breathe through their backsides.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
• On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
• On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
• Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
• Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
• Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
• The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
• Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• All polar bears are left-handed.
• In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• “Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
• Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Detective Comics #842

                                                              

 Click on the link below to check out my latest Detective review over at Crave!

http://www.craveonline.com/articles/comics/04650030/detective_comics_842.html

DECISION 2010: Will he stay or will he go?

                                                          

  The NBA trade deadline has come and passed with a flourish of activity not seen in recent years, if ever. It seemed every major contender made some moves as superstars crossed coast to coast to join new teams. Perhaps the most pivotal move came as the final seconds of the trade window ticked down, a mega 11 man, 3 team deal that featured the Cleveland Cavaliers shipping off two of their established starters, Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden (along with a few other bench pieces) in return for Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West and Joe Smith. But as big a shake-up as this was, it’s more important to look at the reason behind it, which was to placate their disgruntled superstar, LeBron James, who has a pivotal decision coming up in the summer of 2010…to stay a Cav, or leave for greener dollars.

 

  The question of whether LeBron James will opt out of his contract in 2010 comes down to one word in my mind…Legacy. What legacy is more important to LeBron? Is it the desire to become the first billion dollar athlete, like he’s stated previously, or is he looking to be considered the greatest basketball player of all time, a strong possibility considering his physical talents. It’s this question that’s the backbone to what may be the biggest blow to Cleveland sports since Jim Brown walked away to pursue his acting.

 

  After years of watching LeBron, I have to believe that his legacy on the court is what’s more important to him. He’s arguably the most gifted, most unselfish superstar in the game today, preferring to be a team player rather than a one man show. You rarely see him take more than 30 shots (he’s averaging 22) yet he’s leading the league in scoring. If he wanted to, he could easily average 50 points per game by jacking up shot after shot, but in showing a feel for the game and maturity far beyond his years, he recognizes that doing that isn’t the way to win…as evidenced by past play of such superstars as Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson.

 

  In my opinion, when it comes down to whether LeBron stays or goes, you actually have to look less at LeBron and more to the trio of Dan Gilbert, Danny Ferry, and Mike Brown. They hold the key to whether the L-Train stays in Cleveland or not. And that key is as easy to figure out as it’s been publicized…surround LeBron with talented players. That’s all. It’s THAT simple. If they manage to keep talent around LBJ, which they are in position to do despite what most ‘experts’ say, then LeBron has NO choice but to stay a Cavalier. This ‘no choice’ that exists if management does their part comes back to my legacy argument. Bron wants to be known as the greatest of all time and to do that, he must win a championship in Cleveland. To be surrounded by talented players and not get a ring, opting to leave the Cavs instead, would be a failure that would haunt his entire career.

 

Listen, we’ve all heard the rumors that Bron’s endorsement deals would skyrocket in a market like New York but let’s be real here, the money and endorsements will come no matter where he’s at…that’s a given…and I have to believe a man as smart as LeBron knows this. Yeah, he’s gonna play up his friendship with Jay-Z and he’s gonna sell those Yankee shoes and sport his Yankee gear but that’s not signs he’s leaving, that’s signs of how savvy he is. What better way to keep the top dogs in the Cavalier organization looking to make him happy and improve the team than to publicly flirt with the possibility of leaving? Nah, worry not Cleveland fans, LeBron is a hometown boy at heart with a serious hero-complex that won’t allow him to fail the city of Cleveland….unless Cleveland fails him.

The Boys #15

                                                                

  If you’re a fan of wanton violence, witty banter and gratuitous T&A, then the Boys is the book for you. Brought to you by my favorite comic book writer, Garth Ennis, The Boys takes every traditional superhero book and gives them the middle finger. It’s a more realistic look at what our world would look like if the skies were peppered with people in tights, so don’t come looking for ‘truth justice and the American way’ in this book, as it’s corruption, body count, and screwing abound.

  If you’re new to the series then you can’t pick a better starting point than this issue, #15, as its part one of a new arc called Good for the soul. This issue mainly centers on Starlight, the newest member of America’s premier superhero team, the Seven, as she struggles to adapt to the realities of ‘life in the big leagues’. For those not familiar with her, Starlight comes from a highly religious super-team called the Young Americans. She was invited to join the Seven after the LampLighter left the team and eagerly pounced on the offer to do some real good for the world…or so she believed.

  Invited up to the Seven’s flying base, Starlight is exposed to the self-serving ways of the team, in both an emotional and a physical sense as she is forced to give oral sex to three of the male members in order to become a member. It’s downhill from there as everything she believes in is stripped bare amidst the reality of ‘corporate superhero’. With her belief in, well, just about everything shattered, Starlight finds herself lost as to what she really wants to do with her life.

  In a nutshell, this book rocks. Ennis and artist/co-creator Darick Robertson have really hit the ground running with this series. It’s both real and fresh…a nice mix of everything Ennis did right in The Preacher, only turned up a notch or two. Kudo’s to Dynamite for having the testicular fortitude to put this book out where Wildstorm/DC comics didn’t and pulled the plug after 6 issues. Make sure to join me next month as I keep you updated on this new arc as well as give you the breakdown of every major player to be found within these pages!

Writer: Garth Enis

Pencils: Darick Robertson

Publisher: Dynamite Entertainment

Price: $2.99

 

                                                   THE CORNER RATING: 9 out of 10

Action Comics #862

                                                                                                                   

  Buckle up, Action fans, as we are rolling to an impressive finish to this thrill ride of a story. In Action #862, part 5 (of 6) of the Superman and the Legion of Super-Heroes, things are really coming to a head. Superman and his Legion group are racing back to Earth, just ahead of a multi-planet strike force bent on stopping the Earth. With time being of the essence, it’s time to call in some help. In this case, it’s time to call in the subs, The Legion of Substitute-Heroes to be specific.

  The Legion of Substitute-Heroes are heroes who weren’t quite up to Legion standards, yet still wanted to fight the good fight. The team consists of Rainbow Girl, Fire Lad, Chlorophyll Kid, and Stone Boy and what they lack in power and skill, they make up in enthusiasm. And that enthusiasm is put to the test as it’s up to them to keep the Justice League busy while Superman and the remaining Legion members try to free the captive Legion members.

  With only one part left in this arc, I really am having some mixed feelings about next issue. On one hand, I really want to see how this fantastic story ends, but on the other hand, I’m enjoying this story so much that I hate for it to finish. I guess that’s a good problem to have and is a testament to the quality writing that Geoff Johns is putting in on this book. A quick note on my Barry Allen watch…It doesn’t look like we’re going to see who’s in the lightening rod Brainy has but I’m hoping it finds its way back to the current timeline with Supes. We’ll see next month, I hope, as we are all set for a climactic close to this memorable story. 

Writer: Geoff Johns

Pencils: Gary Frank

Publisher: DC Comics

Price: $2.99

THE CORNER RATING: 7 out of 10

The Incredible Hulk Trailer has arrived!

The long awaited teaser trailer for the Edward Norton Hulk movie is out and up and WOW, does it look 100% better than that crappy last one!

Want to see for yourself, just click the link provided below…

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ia3uPDuojmU

The Lighter Side of Comic Books 3…